Jokes

Here’s a few laughers and groaners I have been posting up on Facebook for a while.

Good King Wencelas use to eat Pizza for Christmas dinner. Deep pan, crisp and even.

Whoever invented polo’s got the hole idea correct!

Sadly the costume shop haven’t completed my shepherd outfit. You just can’t get the staff these days!

My auntie was convinced she was haunted by a poltergeist that stacked one bed o top of another. Luckily I debunked it!

I’ve just seen a huge Egyptian woman sticking her arse out the window of a car.
It was a two-ton car moon.

Darth Vader walks into a space bar…
AndnowIcan’ttypeproperly:(

What does Clark Kent use to keep the sun out of his eyes? A supervisor.

I’m disappointed with my new Bonnie Tyler satnav. It keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart!

How often does a smurf wipe his bum? Once in a blue moon!

My girlfriend’s left me, all because I sold her wheelchair. Don’t worry she’ll soon come crawling back!

Got myself a new job with 500 people below me. I love cutting the cemetery lawn!

Gonna apply for a job installing mirrors. Its something I could always see myself doing!

Good news… I have passed my drugs test with flying colours. On the other hand my dealer has some explain to do!

Eric Bristow came up to me in the pub and asked,
“Why did you put superglue on one of my darts?”
I said “You just can’t let it go can you”

Just got escorted out of Kings Cross station with concussion. I’m beginning to think this Hogwarts acceptance letter is a hoax!

-NEWSFLASH –
A ship containing a cargo of blue paint has capsized in the red sea. Its believed the sailors have been marooned!

Just been to the doctors. I was telling him I have a fear of lapels, he said “you’ve got collarer”

I couldn’t find the oxo cubes anywhere in our local shop today. They must have been out of stock!

I had a happy childhood, me and my mates would get inside tyres and roll down a hill …they were Goodyears!

I’ve always suffered from kleptomania but when it gets bad I take something for it!

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